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In Which Ryan Whitney Tries His Hardest to be Unhelpful and Fails. [Eberle/Hall, Whitney]
Eberle ASG
caaare wrote in caaare_fic
Apparently it's been nearly FIVE YEARS since I've posted any fic.....goddamn. Well.

Title: In Which Ryan Whitney Tries His Hardest to be Unhelpful and Fails.
Characters: Jordan Eberle, Taylor Hall, Ryan Whitney.
Word Count: ~2000
Rating: PG, idk
Summary: Eberle starts to realize what he has could be something more, and he needs a nudge in the right direction. Set during early last season, possibly training camp.
A/n: negative thanks to liroa15 for putting this idea in my head, but actual thanks times a hundred for helping me get it out. It could be better but it's been FIVE. YEARS. so I'll take it.

Hall checks Ebs during scrimmage, and instead of continuing on, the two of them tussle at the boards for awhile, grinning at each other while shoving back and forth.

Whitney rolls his eyes and skates over near them, "Yo, kids! Get a room, I hear there's a special on queen-sized cribs over at the Holiday Inn. We got shit to do."

They look over at him, Hall snaps back "At least I'm not two steps from the old folks' home," and Ebs takes the opportunity to shove him while his attention is distracted, then skates away backwards, grinning at having the last say.

Ebs is 99% positive he gets what's going on here, but there's always a slight chance he's misjudged the situation completely (he tends to only do that with girls, but it's happened enough he guesses it pays to be at least a little bit careful in all interactions), and it'll hurt nothing to be 100% sure before doing something totally dumb.

The trickiest part of this whole operation is finding a time when Hallsy's not glued to his hip, but he finally leaves him rehashing the latest round of Call of Duty with Gags and Maggie and wanders over to find the one person who might give him the answers he needs.

"Hey, Whitney, can I talk to you for a sec?" It's kind of a stupid thing to need help with, but Whits has this way of making him feel stupid no matter what he's talking about, so if it really is a stupid thing, he comes out of the conversation feeling no stupider than usual.

Ryan looks up for half a second, long enough to register who it is that dares interrupt him while he's doing the oh-so important thing of checking his fantasy team on his iPad in the locker room. "No."

Ebs barges on anyway, believing that Whits' bark is worse than his bite (although this has never actually been confirmed, and sometimes Ebs has a sneaking suspicion that Whits isn't just putting on his pissy act, and he actually DOES hate everyone and everything), "You know that--"

Without looking up from his screen, Ryan interrupts, "What part of "no" do I need to translate into Canadian? When did I ever show you the slightest inclination that I gave a damn about your issues? Any of them?"



Ebs rolls his eyes and barges on, "Anyway, you know when you said that thing on the ice? About me and Hallsy?"

"When you two were fucking through your gear? What of it?"

"What did you mean?"

"Get a room, bozo, is a classic statement that people make when other people are flirting too much and there's work to be done." Whitney finally looks up from his screen. "Can't you talk to someone else about this? Horcoff has the C so I don't have to field these shit questions."

Ebs snaps back, "You're so quick to spout vet wisdom when it suits you, but not when anyone seeks you out?"

Ryan sighs, "I try my hardest to make it so no one seeks me out. Clearly you're not as perceptive as even the rookies on my other teams."

"And yet here I am, so just hear me out, dude."

"You have two seconds of my time. Look, no one cares what you're doing to your rookiemate, do whatever the fuck you want with him off the ice, don't tell me about it, don't make me see it, and I don't give a shit. Work when you're at work, and everything will be fine."

"I get that, it's just--what makes you think we do that shit off the ice?"

Ryan stares at him. "Are you serious? You two aren't fucking?"

Ebs tries to answer him matter-of-factly, without any whine in his voice. "No."

"Why the fuck not? Have you seen the way he looks at you? Have you seen the way you look at him? Shit, sometimes I sneak a cigarette myself post the eye fucking that goes on between the two of you."

Only Whits could put things precisely like that. "Jesus! We're not--eye fucking, whatever that means."

"It means you look at each other like you're imagining those clothes being off and doing unmentionable things to each other, and furthermore, you can barely hold off for two more seconds."

"Well we're not."

"And again I ask, why the fuck not? Don't you want to be?"

Obviously. "We've just been hanging out. Maybe you need to get laid if the way I look at Hallsy makes you light up. Will anyone north of the border even sleep with you?" Ebs’ new strategy is deflection.

Ryan looks at him in a patented Whitney Stare that isn't quite a glare but somehow packs more of a wallop than almost anything, and Ebs is afraid for a second that he doesn't actually know this guy that well and maybe he's about to get decked. But Ryan just says, "Worry about your own sex life, sounds like you have enough issues. I've been doing this since you were in diapers. Or are you still? Is that the problem?" Ebs tries not to make his sigh of relief obvious, he'll take the ribbing over an actual punch.

"You're closer to needing diapers again than I am. You're reading too much into a look."

Ryan shakes his head. "If anyone looked at me with half as much intensity as Hallsy does you, I wouldn't waste time worrying about it. If I were you, I'd stop 'hanging out' and tap that before someone else does. The only reason everyone hasn't been all over him--or you, for that matter--is we didn't think you were able to share, even if you were willing, since you rarely look away long enough to notice the twenty other guys in the room at normal times."

Ebs flushes against his will, trying to think of something to say that isn't "I just never thought about it." Because it's true; that's the whole issue--he's been so content with the way things are with Hallsy, fully enjoying every second of their friendship, he hasn't really thought about needing to do anything different, anything more. But it's kind of embarrassing to admit you aren't having sex even though you could be and when apparently your whole team is feeling the heat from the looks you've been giving each other.

Ryan is watching him with an expression that might be called a smile on anyone else, but Ebs isn't sure if Whits actually does that, at least not in a nice way, so he decides to call it a smirk. "But apparently we were wrong." Then Ryan checks his phone and asks, impatiently, "Have I solved your problem yet?"

Ebs thinks he's heard exactly what he'd been waiting for, but he won't give Whits the satisfaction. "Not really, it might actually kill you to be a helpful human being."

"Thank god. I wouldn't want you coming back to me every time you hit a little wrinkle in your difficult young life."

"See you later." Ebs starts walking away, thinking all he needs now is half a chance to push him and Hallsy onto the next thing.


That night at home, Hallsy and Ebs are on the couch playing some video game or another. The microwave timer goes off, and Ebs pauses the game to get the popcorn before they forget about it, and it sits there for an hour until it's cold and they have to start over. Not that they've done that. Multiple times.

While he's in the kitchen, Hallsy unpauses the game and keeps playing, zooming ahead, "Wow Ebs, you really suck at this, I'm dazzling you so hard you can't even react."

"Hey!" Ebs yells and runs back over, pelting Hallsy with popcorn and jumps on him, trying to wrestle Hallsy's controller away to send his guy on a suicide mission since that's Ebs' only chance to catch up at this point. Ebs is stretched out on top of Hallsy, full contact, and at some point it's less about the game and more about moving their bodies together--or maybe it's always about that, but Ebs isn't going to worry about those details now. Ebs stills, and Hallsy is grinning up at him, eyes bright and dancing, warily on edge waiting for Ebs' next move.

Ebs thinks "He does look at me like that, doesn't he?" in the split second before he's leaning in, pressing his mouth to Hallsy's, just nervous enough to put him fully in the moment, alert to the fit body underneath him, in tune for Hallsy's reaction.

There's a split second when it could go any which way, and Ebs feels almost light-headed with tension, and then Hallsy is kissing him back, fiercely, sliding his arms around him, letting his hands wander and it feels simple and right.

Finally, Hallsy tears himself away, holding on to Ebs, making it clear he's quite content to be laid on like this, so Ebs stays stretched out on him. "We could've been doing that since world juniors."

Ebs laughs, clearly thinking the same thing and avoiding for the moment one of the only somewhat serious things that has ever been said between them. "You have popcorn in your hair." He reaches over and picks it out, offering it to Hallsy.

Hallsy lips it from Ebs' fingers, then spits it back out, hitting Ebs in the eye. "You have popcorn in your brain."

"Hey!" Ebs grabs another piece from the couch arm, and tries to put it in Hallsy's ear, who starts ducking out of the way and smacking at his hand. Ebs is laughing, trying to talk while fending off the attack, "Look, it won't fit, guess your head is already full of something. We know it's not brains though, what is in there?!" He pretends to peer into Hallsy's head through his ear.

"That's enough of that." Hallsy turns his head and kisses him again, making kissing just another weapon in their arsenal in the constant half-battle against each other.

Finally Ebs responds to Hallsy's earlier comment, "We have a lot of time to make up, eh?" He stands up, then reaches back to pull Hallsy up after him.

Hallsy jumps up, getting the idea and pushing him down the hallway. "I am all about making up for lost time. Like that time we lost time because you had the brilliant idea of adding BBQ sauce to our KD, and it was so disgusting we had to remake it. Can I have that time back?"

Ebs pushes Hallsy down on his bed, "You can have that time back on your back."

Hallsy laughs, and in the second before Ebs stops thinking he completely, he reflects that he's lucky to have a friendship that's so easy to add another layer to. And he should probably thank Whits, if he can figure out a way to do it without enlarging Whits' already overlarge noggin.


The next day at the rink, Hallsy and Ebs are even more all over each other than usual--something no one thought possible, including them.

They're managing, though, and must be pretty extra obvious because when Ryan walks into the locker room, he sees them and groans, loudly and dramatically. To the almost empty room, he announces at large, "And that, my friends, is the reason I don't do advice. I inevitably make things a hundred times worse for everyone."

Hallsy pokes Ebs in the ribs. "You talked to Whitter about us?!"

Ryan snorts, "If you can call floundering around the subject for twenty minutes of my life I'll never get back 'talking', then yes. And I'm keeping my mouth shut from now on."

Hallsy laughs. "I can't believe you talked to Whitter about us."

Ebs narrows his eyes at Whits. "I hope that's a promise." He grabs Hallsy to shut him up, grinning into their kiss at Whits' gagging noises.

Shoving this in Whits' face will be all the thanks he gets, but the little bastard being the way he is, he'll probably enjoy the extra way to be pissed off at the world.

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You know what I think. They are perfect, and you are perfect. ♥

Thanks so much for all your encouragement and help XD

I think Ryan being unhelpful is my new favorite thing

he's so good at it, right??

PISSY RYAN WHITNEY FIC ASDJFASDF I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. SO. MUCH. Like, okay, I am picky about fics in which teammates give advice, sometimes it just seems ridiculous to me, but this is PERFECT because this is ABSOLUTELY HOW RYAN WHITNEY WOULD RESPOND.
"Why the fuck not? Have you seen the way he looks at you? Have you seen the way you look at him? Shit, sometimes I sneak a cigarette myself post the eye fucking that goes on between the two of you."
I can HEAR him saying that. Also, "rookies on my other teams" - why did I get this image of bb!Kris Letang asking him for life advice and Whit rolling his eyes so hard and telling him to go ask Fleury about his bullshit instead? Anyway, you have his bitchy-ass voice absolutely down and I love it.

Also, you know, the actual COUPLE here, they are mad cute :D Right along the line between serious and goofy, and the popcorn was so cute, eeeep. This just made me so happy. (but LJ won't let me use my Whit/Malone Team USA icon?!?!? NOOOOO)

Edited at 2012-01-19 04:48 am (UTC)

why did I get this image of bb!Kris Letang asking him for life advice and Whit rolling his eyes so hard and telling him to go ask Fleury about his bullshit instead?


IT MUST HAVE. and I am very seriously considering writing it. Writing pissy Ryan Whitney is like my new favorite thing.

THANKS XD it means a lot coming from you, you're the only person I know who adores Whits' attitude more than I do. I am picky, too, usually the guys are too eager to like, talk about their ~problems~ so I just kept Whits pissy (easy) and Ebs nonchalant and I think it mostly worked. I dislike "getting together" fics a lot, too, so I really tried not to make it sappy or make them talk about things--I hope I didn't skip over it all TOO much though.

why did I get this image of bb!Kris Letang asking him for life advice oh god I bet I could do something with that. Plus Whits wouldn't be able to understand him and would be like "stop being French, I don't like it"

You need to know more about these two. THEY ARE INSANE. Every picture/video of the two of them, they are staring at each other just like Whits describes. I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING MOMENT. And they go on dates. And live together and act married.

Dear Ryan Whitney,

In your next life I think you should be a relationship consellor or a match maker. They're perfect bb ♥

*snickers!* There's no way. He'd be like "I really don't give a shit if you work your shit out or not."

thanks :)

This is wonderful and adorable, I love it :)

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teehee thanks. love the icon XDDDD

I cannot stop laughing at the awesomeness that is Ryan Whitney. This was perfect and fun and hilarious as hell. Thanks for sharing!

well thanks for reading!

There is a serious lack of Ryan Whitney (in life and in fic) and I thank you for making him an angry ass with a heart of gold. Or something like that. Awesome work and I was thrilled to read something well written and funny about players that I like.

MOAR WHITNEY. And that's pretty much how he is. Except the jury is still out on the "heart of gold". ;) I'm glad you liked it!

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This is perfection. I seriously can't even describe to you how much I love how you write the two of them. Please bring us moar!

haha thanks! XD there will probably be more....I have no control ;)

A friend pointed me here -- it's very fun! Love cranky!Whitney. :-D

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